||[Apr. 20th, 2010|12:55 am]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
Its been years since I've written in this damn LJ. Witch is fine, because I haven't had much to say for the past 5 years. Now I'm at the point where I'm going to break, feeling lost and disposable, and ready to give up. And I don't give a fuck what this journal entry says or seems like. I've reached a point to where I've lost it, and I need to share this story, in the hopes that it can help someone.|
It all started about a year ago. My ex, J, we drifted apart, between her non compermising, crankyness, and belittleing of my hobbies and interests, we both desided to go our seperate ways. It was hard, because we had a lot of potentional..but, it just faded away. She moved out, walked out on her debt that she racked up because of her wanting to go out and party, spend money, and not own upnto her share of the living expences..the water was shut off twice, the electric was cut off once, but god damn, she had money to go out to annapolis for a pool comptrian, buy high dollaf cues, shoes and freniture...whatever, the mortgague holder will that care of that. She's doing great now, living it up back in PA, going out whenever, finding guys to make her happy, for the moment, and having the time of her life. While I buckled down and pay the bills to keep these four walls in my name.
Then enters T, from what I thought, a lovely girl. She's 29, workin two jobs, such as I, scrapping by such as I. We shared a lot, humor, tastes in movies n television, a passion for beer and cooking, and goals in life..sounds perfect, right? Well, I thought so. We went though a lot in the time we were together, shared our problems, opened up to each other, let down our gaurd, our walls, and took off the armor that protected our senstive beings. I was finally able to be comfortable in my own skin around someone else, and it was the greatest feeling in the world, my romantic side came to the surface, something I thought I lost years ago..I felt like a teenager. I was in love. Not because of the sex, not because I was getting attention, not because it was a new expirance..I was in love because I found someone that I could show my true self to. Which, I thought I could. We talked non stop. She's one of those text freaks, so I had to go to the unlimited texg plan..from when I woke, till I feel asleep, I was talking to her. U want to know how much I cared for this woman???
She slipped in the tub, around january, bam, it her head. She was acting funny, like u do when u hit ur head hard. The only two people she remembered was her father and me. She remembered somethings we did together. I remeber her telling me, "I feel something for you, but not sure what it is." Do u have any idea how hard it is to see someone u love, out of there element because of a slip, and they don't remember if they love you? Do u have any idea what its like to spend hours apon hours helping this woman remember her friends, family, her boyfriend, and everything else?? It was the longest two weeks of my life. Everything feel into place after about. A month, and we were back to wear we are.
Then, she goes to florida. For what I'm told, to help her cousin get out of a funk, and she has a job making minimum wage waiting for her. The woman has a bs in hr, but she's going to go to hollywood, fl, and make minimum wage. I'm shocked, ans she's reluctant to go. I throw a fairwell party for her, 8 of our closest friends come together,and take her out, one last time before she goes to fl for "I dunno how long". The texting never stopped, I hushhhhhhhhled sidework for a month stright, ajn got 1200 dollars extra income together so I could fly down and see her for ag lobg weekenggd. Welfl, its been aboutthree months now. Since then..the non stop contact has changed. She's met frien ds that she has nonnon stop interaction with oon the weekends. I read facebook..some guy is pretending to be in a relationship with her...all these pictures of them are on there..being close n affectionate..they share cutesy messages back n forth...hmmmmm...the same kinda stuff we used to talk and say...she stopped saying to me and it sure as shit seems that I was replaced in a month..by some black guy from brookyln.
I asked her time and time again..are u dating, have u kissed him..and the only anwsers I get are "its not like what ur thinking" and "I still care for you, and always will"
If you cared, u would have the common desency to fucking tell me u met someone. I've been down this road befroe..u can't bullshit me. And have the balls to say "there's interests on both ends, but I'm not ready to jump into anything cuz I got stuff in my head, I can't explain"
Ill fucking tell you what's in ur head..you can't be alone. U need attention, and well, your goin to the first person with a dick that gives it to you. And u don't know how to let me down.
Have you ever been abandoned? Have u ever loved someone so much, and one day, just goes over a thousand miles away to more or less start a new life? The new profile picture with you and him...that's not intended to make me shake with rage, wondering what the fuck I ever did wrong, or just point a gaint middle finger in my face.
She made me happy. She made me smile. She made me feel I was worth something. She made me feel loved, speical, and and charished. That must of been a lie.
I treated her like the greatest woman on earth, and that wasn't good enough. Fuck it. I'm just gonna live my life as a single guy, because whenever I'm happy..and anyone that's ever known me, that's a rare, rare emotion I express. And whenever I am happy..I throw myself in the fetel postion..because its going to blow up in my face down the road. People wonder why I'm so stern, hardnosed, and generally an asshole. This, my friends, is why. I can be the sweet, loving, supportive man a womans ever wanted. But I'm the disposable good guy..when ur done..just kick me to the curb, and use what I said to mold your new man into that.
I'm fuckin done. It ain't worth the heartache. I stand alone.