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Packed like sardines on a mezzanine

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(no subject) [Apr. 12th, 2011|07:30 am]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
Day.. 27 in the midwest. all previous records of being away from home broken. i'm waiting for 9am to roll around so i can go take my national electricial journeyman's exam, which, i have been a journeyman since...2005 (?) now, just to get the piece of paper saying that i am. ive been up since 4pm, worked til 5:30am. Now, to do some last minute cramming. Overall, i cannot picture myself living in this area of the world; this place, to me, very strange. sure, the local mannerisms are tolerable, and very one is nice, but..this isn't the east coast, this isn't Delaware, and..this place isn't home.

I'm homesick as fuck..more so then i ever thought i ever would be. Miss my friends, family, my dog, my house, everything back east that is "home". i keep reminding myself that i signed up for this, and i could go home whenever i wanted to..but, from a professional standpoint, there is nothing sustainable or long term for employment..sure, i could get my job back at total wine within a blink of an eye, break my balls for minimal pay, and relish in the fact that i can't find something that will last more then 8-10 months at a time, and no sure sign of 40 hours a week for my occupation.


Selling wine, beer and liquor is my fun job, but it isn't my occupation. i don't wanna be that guy that gave up on his profession, and settle for an easier job because this economic storm hasn't cleared up this far. this is trying times for sure, but doing what you gotta do to survive, takes first place right now.

Someone or something gave me this ability to deal and control a beast that makes power and light, something that you cannot see, taste, touch, and generally is an intangable force, but can distory people or property if not propery harnessed. would love to sleep in my own bed everynight, make some homebrew whenever i had the extra cash, get drunk with friends every once in a while, go play disc golf on a nice day in the spring, summer or fall, go find a woman that didn't drain me of cash, drive my emotions dry, or someone i could trust.

doing what you gotta to survive is easier said then done. But, either go home and quit and rot on unemployment, or carry on til the fall, and go home with a few bucks in the bank, and catch up with everyone then.

carry on!
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(no subject) [Apr. 20th, 2010|12:55 am]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
Its been years since I've written in this damn LJ. Witch is fine, because I haven't had much to say for the past 5 years. Now I'm at the point where I'm going to break, feeling lost and disposable, and ready to give up. And I don't give a fuck what this journal entry says or seems like. I've reached a point to where I've lost it, and I need to share this story, in the hopes that it can help someone.


It all started about a year ago. My ex, J, we drifted apart, between her non compermising, crankyness, and belittleing of my hobbies and interests, we both desided to go our seperate ways. It was hard, because we had a lot of potentional..but, it just faded away. She moved out, walked out on her debt that she racked up because of her wanting to go out and party, spend money, and not own upnto her share of the living expences..the water was shut off twice, the electric was cut off once, but god damn, she had money to go out to annapolis for a pool comptrian, buy high dollaf cues, shoes and freniture...whatever, the mortgague holder will that care of that. She's doing great now, living it up back in PA, going out whenever, finding guys to make her happy, for the moment, and having the time of her life. While I buckled down and pay the bills to keep these four walls in my name.

Then enters T, from what I thought, a lovely girl. She's 29, workin two jobs, such as I, scrapping by such as I. We shared a lot, humor, tastes in movies n television, a passion for beer and cooking, and goals in life..sounds perfect, right? Well, I thought so. We went though a lot in the time we were together, shared our problems, opened up to each other, let down our gaurd, our walls, and took off the armor that protected our senstive beings. I was finally able to be comfortable in my own skin around someone else, and it was the greatest feeling in the world, my romantic side came to the surface, something I thought I lost years ago..I felt like a teenager. I was in love. Not because of the sex, not because I was getting attention, not because it was a new expirance..I was in love because I found someone that I could show my true self to. Which, I thought I could. We talked non stop. She's one of those text freaks, so I had to go to the unlimited texg plan..from when I woke, till I feel asleep, I was talking to her. U want to know how much I cared for this woman???
Gg
She slipped in the tub, around january, bam, it her head. She was acting funny, like u do when u hit ur head hard. The only two people she remembered was her father and me. She remembered somethings we did together. I remeber her telling me, "I feel something for you, but not sure what it is." Do u have any idea how hard it is to see someone u love, out of there element because of a slip, and they don't remember if they love you? Do u have any idea what its like to spend hours apon hours helping this woman remember her friends, family, her boyfriend, and everything else?? It was the longest two weeks of my life. Everything feel into place after about. A month, and we were back to wear we are.

Then, she goes to florida. For what I'm told, to help her cousin get out of a funk, and she has a job making minimum wage waiting for her. The woman has a bs in hr, but she's going to go to hollywood, fl, and make minimum wage. I'm shocked, ans she's reluctant to go. I throw a fairwell party for her, 8 of our closest friends come together,and take her out, one last time before she goes to fl for "I dunno how long". The texting never stopped, I hushhhhhhhhled sidework for a month stright, ajn got 1200 dollars extra income together so I could fly down and see her for ag lobg weekenggd. Welfl, its been aboutthree months now. Since then..the non stop contact has changed. She's met frien ds that she has nonnon stop interaction with oon the weekends. I read facebook..some guy is pretending to be in a relationship with her...all these pictures of them are on there..being close n affectionate..they share cutesy messages back n forth...hmmmmm...the same kinda stuff we used to talk and say...she stopped saying to me and it sure as shit seems that I was replaced in a month..by some black guy from brookyln.

I asked her time and time again..are u dating, have u kissed him..and the only anwsers I get are "its not like what ur thinking" and "I still care for you, and always will"

If you cared, u would have the common desency to fucking tell me u met someone. I've been down this road befroe..u can't bullshit me. And have the balls to say "there's interests on both ends, but I'm not ready to jump into anything cuz I got stuff in my head, I can't explain"

Ill fucking tell you what's in ur head..you can't be alone. U need attention, and well, your goin to the first person with a dick that gives it to you. And u don't know how to let me down.

Have you ever been abandoned? Have u ever loved someone so much, and one day, just goes over a thousand miles away to more or less start a new life? The new profile picture with you and him...that's not intended to make me shake with rage, wondering what the fuck I ever did wrong, or just point a gaint middle finger in my face.

She made me happy. She made me smile. She made me feel I was worth something. She made me feel loved, speical, and and charished. That must of been a lie.

I treated her like the greatest woman on earth, and that wasn't good enough. Fuck it. I'm just gonna live my life as a single guy, because whenever I'm happy..and anyone that's ever known me, that's a rare, rare emotion I express. And whenever I am happy..I throw myself in the fetel postion..because its going to blow up in my face down the road. People wonder why I'm so stern, hardnosed, and generally an asshole. This, my friends, is why. I can be the sweet, loving, supportive man a womans ever wanted. But I'm the disposable good guy..when ur done..just kick me to the curb, and use what I said to mold your new man into that.

I'm fuckin done. It ain't worth the heartache. I stand alone.
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Never thought I'd see the day [Jul. 3rd, 2005|10:55 am]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
[mood |happyhappy]
[music |Pink Floyd - "Piper at the gates of dawn"]

So I watched Live 8 coverage for about six hours. It was Great! I was surounded my radio, TV, and the internet trying to get a glimpse of my favorite acts on stage. Green Day had a great cover of "We are the champions" by Queen, and I saw R.E.M. in all there glory proforming "Imiation Of Life"; Micheal is getting a little out of hand with the eye make-up. The Who sounded strong, even though two of the orginal members are long gone.


But the absolute greatest moment: Pink Floyd, Who haven't toured in eleven years, who haven't played with Roger Waters in 22 years, the band i wrote a 18 page report in high school, played live, and dear god, i was nearly in tears. They opened up with "Breathe", David Glimour has gained about 40 pounds and now is bald, but god damn, he is still the master of the stratocaster, and his voice hasn't changed a bit since 1973. Roger has a great big smile on his face, much to my surprise. I forget the 2nd song, but then the band rushed into "Wish you Were Here" Roger and David did altering verses in the 2nd verse, and it sounded that Roger was ready break down and bawl. You could tell his eyes were swelling. they closed with a scourcing version Of "Comfortably Numb". they sounded like they've been playing together for the past 30 years without a hitch.


I Guess i'm with the millions of other floyd fans in saying "BURY THE HACTCHET! TOUR!!!" and if this is ever going to happen.. i believe i'm not the only one saying, i don't care if the tickets are 1000 dollars each, i will sell vital organs, and kill babies to get tickets to see the floyd, before the band mates reach their 70s.
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I used to be a seamen.. [Jun. 9th, 2005|05:26 pm]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Joesph Auther - "Our shadows will remain"]

God, its disgustingly muggy out; the weather that makes you wanna stop work, get into

a well air conditioned building, pull up a nice, ice cold beverage, find a cozy sit and chill

Out. Wouldn't it be nice?


Work is getting harder by the day. Its not like the job at hand is a brain buster, hardly at

all; office space, some emergency lighting, lightening protection, typical University of

Delaware protocol. Its just this god damn sucks the life at you! By 8 am, you've sweat

out all you bodily fluids, so basically your a Pringle in jeans, a Delcollo T-shirt, and

Work boots. Damn duct guys and there inability to install duct work.



On the personal side..



I've decieded that i'm tired of making excuses on why my clothing fits tighter around my

waist. simply buying bigger pants is not a soluation. Looking in the mirror is becoming

more and more of a letdown. my love handles are getting out of hand, the butt is

Aproching barrel ass size, and my gut became a beerbelly. So i decided to start running

Again. I've ran about half a mile, and i thought i was going to collapse. those days of

Running five miles and not feeling a thing are long gone..and goddamnit.. lol. Begone are

burgers, beer and cheese. So long Italian subs, chips and soda. good-bye Ice cream,

Water ices and donuts.

A shower is beaconing; I need to de-swamp. I think I'm gonna go practice, and try to get

A little better in my hobby. Anyone feel free to call me.

LOL! My uncle is watching a "Who wants to be a millionare" rerun..

Regis: "Which of the following bands is named after a sleep cycle?"

A: Blink 182
B: R.E.M.
C: Simply Red
D: (something way off)

The Guy: "Uh.. um.. Hmmmmmm... B: R.E.M."

Regis: "are you sure?"

the guy : ..........

the guy : yeah. final answer.

4000 dollar question! MADE MY DAY!
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mmmmm... [Jun. 8th, 2005|11:08 pm]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Coldplay's new CD! - "X and Y"]

Its official! I've forgotten how to have fun

I'm constantly worried about things that are related to work..

You wanna kno my typical internal dialogue in a given day? here it is:

Wake up:

(I'm gonna be late to work

gotta hurry up and unlock the gang box

gonna finish that wire pull from yesterday

What am I going to eat for break? Begels or donuts?

I got to remember to order conduit for the hallway lights.

Did the plumber finish his cast iron pipe run for the toilets?

better fix that; Scott's gonna flip out if he sees that

Do I wanna take a nap for lunch?

2 o' clock, one more hour left for work!

AFTER WORK:

me and Pedro have to wire those ceiling fans

Its gonna be another 14 hour day..

I have to remember to buy that for so-and-so's job.

And then. Bed time to start it all over again in 6 hours.

In the few cases when I do want to hang out with friends. I'm all.. moody and cranky

And.... Bitter. Its not like its done on purpose; it just happens! it sucks! I hate it!

This is my cry for help! What do I do? friends won't tolerate this for much longer. maybe a couple good slaps in the face?
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wow.. [Jan. 6th, 2005|09:26 pm]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
[mood |soresore]
[music |Bob Dylan - Blood on the tracks]

My god Its been a long time since I've updated this thing. So.. happy Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas and new years to anyone who comes across this poor excuse of a journal. My holidays were very nice, had a few drinks, got a few neat gifts, that sorta thing.


I stumble into 2005 with 5 extra pounds, 2 new guitars, an exponentially declining car, bad attitude towards work, and a stress level so high that its. Pretty much inmeasureable. so I have that going for me.



I'm just in a shitty mood. Can't tell if you've noticed. but I just want to keep this think abreast after about 10 hours of non eating. A steak dinner does sound pretty tasty... can I take back my original answer to that?
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(no subject) [Oct. 14th, 2004|10:47 pm]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
if something was kept secret,

and no one was told about it,

did it even really exist?
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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2004|11:06 pm]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
[mood |sicksick]
[music |Black Flag - "Damaged"]

"KEEP ME ALIVE
ONLY YOU CAN DO IT
IF NOT YOU'LL DIE TOO
AND I'LL SEE TO IT

IT'S HARD TO SURVIVE
DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT

KEEP ME ALIVE
I CAN'T ACCEPT MY FATE
I NEED HELP
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE

IT'S HARD TO SURVIVE, DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT
I NEED TO BELONG, I NEED TO HANG ON
I NEED, NEED

KEEP ME ALIVE FEELINGS I MUST OBEY
CAN'T TURN MY EYES FROM THE PAST
THIS CRISIS IS THE LAST

KEEP ME ALIVE
I RELY ON YOUR JUDGEMENT
I'VE GOT NONE LEFT OF MY OWN
DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

IT'S HARD TO SURVIVE, DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT
I NEED TO BELONG, I NEED TO HANG ON
I NEED, NEED

KEEP ME ALIVE
ONLY YOU CAN DO IT
KEEP ME ALIVE
ONLY YOU CAN DO IT

IT'S HARD TO SURVIVE, DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT

KEEP ME ALIVE
KEEP ME ALIVE
KEEP ME ALIVE
KEEP ME ALIVE

IT'S HARD TO SURVIVE, DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT
I NEED TO BELONG, I NEED TO HANG ON
I NEED, NEED.."


Its amazing how song, no matter is orgin, can apply to however someone's feeling. Its been forever between updates, and not to much has happened. Its the same old meaningless, mindnumbing tasks at work; home life has been rough past couple weeks, and i believe my exit is beconing. I have a girlfriend; and it sounds pathetic that she lives about an hour and half away, and is six years my senior. Other then that, things, to quote David Brine, "Same as they ever was."
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2004|10:09 pm]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |David Bowie - "Heros"]

Today I met a few painters who knew my father before, during, and after he got sick. He said that My dad was a weird dude, extremely anal about work, very efficient. Which made me feel good for a second, and proud. but the following sentience ran a chill down my spine. "How was that? Yer pop blowin' his brains out with a shotgun?" WHAT? For the past 14 years, My dad was rumored as the Foreman for Pastel who killed himself over his problems. It was shocking, and hurtful. Then a harsh realzation happened: I AM father's son. the Mannerisms, "Matt-isms", my attitude, my looks, my profession, work ethic, a good part of what constitutes what I am. Is from Dad. It sucks, man. it does.


Its become increasingly obvious that I'm not me anymore; around my closest friends, work, at home. Everywhere with everybody. I'm going to go on a "Why this is" bender for a moment. I apologies in advance:

The past year or so had been rough from a metal standpoint. Emotional stress, worry, lost, transitions, to name a few things. as per usual, I tend to block it in my brain, and let it set, unvented, and stored up. Its to the point to where its affecting everyday life, and I know for a fact that this..there's no way in hell it can be healthy. Like a cloud thats constantly around; everything feels sooo... plastic, fake. I hate to expose all the ones I hold dear to this fake plastic shell of the guy they know as Matt, and for that, I'm sorry. Things will get back to their used to be.. until then, I will try to be me.
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(no subject) [Aug. 9th, 2004|08:40 pm]
Packed like sardines on a mezzanine
so i came home and installed a new potty in the bathroom today. the old saying electrician saying is right; "if i were any dumber, i'd become a plumber." Nothin like getting waxxy black gunk under your figernails. but it flushes real good! YAY! lol. Then i changed the oil in my car, after working in the dirty ass attic of 803 N. broom st. its been a dirty day, and i'd love to take a shower right now. Saturday consisted of some Overtime @ delcollo electric, yeah, imagine my surprise! To make it better, the cocky bastard himself made an appreance at my job, the best self-proclamed electrician in the state of delaware, Scott. The Mullet is nomore, and he just finished putting in a hottub in the deck of his backyard. MMMMM.. classy. im bein' lazy, i'll finish this update soon..



"Lemme tell you about my besssssst friend!!!! ....sonofabitch!"
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